Chapter Seven: Tarot on the Cards

Derren Brown has been spending a lot of time recently trying to impress the world with his supernatural abilities to predict the lottery results and stick us to your sofas. Many are in awe. Most, however, seem more shocked by the gullibility of those unable to move from their pleather suites than Brown's hypnotic and psychic acumen. Needless to say I am of the latter group, always a little scathing at those who believe in ghosts, auras, telepathy; anything unquantifiable really. On the search for new skills, however, I bit the bullet and suspended my disbelief for a lesson with Ellen, Elvis fan, German, and tarot card reader.
It was already dark by the time I arrived at Willesden Green, North London, and as I awaited an answer at her door I braced myself for a Professor Trelawney, all beads, thick glasses and a surrounding cloud of incense. It was with mild surprise, then, that I greeted Ellen, a spritely blonde with an inestimable age; she could have been twenty five or forty and I was loath to shatter the facade of agelessness. She welcomed me into her small bedsit room, a strange mish-mash of Elvis memorabilia and pagan symbols. I sat down at the table (it was actually an upturned cardboard box with a cloth over it but each unto one's own) and had a quick chat about the attraction tarot holds for her and her thoughts on psychic ability. An enormous portion of the mind of a human being is untapped potential, brain matter that's never actually utilised. According to Ellen though, psychic and seemingly supernatural activity, even apparent miracles, are the result of normal people simply accessing this potential, unlocking their psychic intuition to achieve more than most deem possible. It was a compelling pitch considering that I was anticipating something about an alien deity or Mayan calendar, and while I was apprehensive she began to show me how it was done with a step-by-step reading.
I had only had my cards read once before, when a crackpot gypsy-wannabe told me I'd be married by the next year. Two years later I've had no need for the something blue, so as I shuffled the ornate cards (Ellen's pack was a strange one, cartoonish suits and neon colours, not what I had been expecting) I wasn't looking for anything at all accurate. The simple process of shuffling whilst concentrating on an issue or question supposedly leaves an essence imprinted upon them (I can only assume it fades before the next customer arrives), and while I was tempted to concentrate on a fake question in order to catch her out, I instead went for the earnest approach and thought hard about my career prospects. Ellen laid the cards out in a Celtic cross formation, just one of many options in tarot reading but one that she favours personally. For those starting off, the formation you choose should just be whatever seems best to you (the same can be said for the cards themselves), but the Celtic cross formation is useful for a past/present/future analysis. Each card meant the following with Ellen's reading:

1. The issue
2. The help/hindering factor
3. The past
4. The near past
5. The future
6. The near future
7. The shuffler's attitude
8. The opinions of friends and family
9. Hopes and fears
10. The eventual outcome

I quite liked the systematic nature of the process and think that I'd adopt it as my personal format if I took tarot up permanently. I assumed that Ellen would proceed to actually turn the cards over, but I was mistaken. Psychic intuition is, after all, about feeling, and so she started to sense my future from the back of the cards and started the reading, surmising from my apparent essence a meticulous and highly organised approach to my life that had dominated my past, and would be of benefit in my future. Having got a general feel of my preoccupation from the back of the cards (fairly spot on but admittedly vague so far), she turned them over and talked me through the results. Intuition is, of course, vital, but the suits (wands, cups, coins and swords) and pictures (death, the tower etc) have distinct meanings which must be considered in relation to one's psychic feelings. The death card, being the obvious example of misleading ones, means change and transformation rather than an upcoming fatality. The cards, then, told of a celebration or emotional satisfaction in my near future and success overall with a couple of more specific references that seemed fairly acceptable. To a certain extent, of course, positive statements about one's character are always going to sound good to the ear, and while Ellen was a very pleasant and sincere woman its easy to see how someone a little more callous could work wonders with access to obituaries or census records. As an experience, there's something nice about having your cards read, even if it's just a way of being told by a stranger that everything will be fine (Ellen would never disclose horrific news to anyone, thinking "you will die a painful death" is a little unfair) and to just keep at it. She is also completely against regular readings, so financially speaking she seemed to have her client's interests at heart, an unexpected approach which I found rather endearing.
Having gone through the meanings of each suit and image and clarified a few more issues, I knew I was ready to try it. Logistics, however, are of course only the beginning, and while my session with Ellen taught me the basics, if I'm ever going to be serious about tarot I'll have to hone my psychic tuition. Sadly my recent exodus to London and the resulting pollution and noise is, according to my teacher, not the best move, as solitude and a closeness to nature are ideal for such a task. Perhaps, then, I won't be rivalling Derren in the near future, but with a bit of effort
I just might be able to avert the occasional car crash. So next time I call you telling you to get off the plane you've just boarded, you should probably just do it.

Ellen is available for affordable tarot card readings. E-mail her on ellenpresslymail@googlemail.com for information.